Sweet Dreams and Nightmares
by Sleeper101
Summary: s8 speculations. contains spoilers for s8! not as pretentious as the title suggests i hope
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first fanfic. Scar stuff, huh? Actually am quite nervous considering there's a computer screen to hide behind (I mean that in the most un-pervert-ee way there is). Writing has never been a specialty of mine, so any feedback would be greatly appreciated. **

She had traveled for the first two months. Tried The Grand Tour. But he had been right: it wasn't a journey to do alone.

The next option was obviously America. It should have been New York but two weeks there proved to her that it was too close to what might have been. Everywhere she visited she could imagine Harry with her as her over active imagination followed the same path it had taken the night after there one and only date: she pictured them in the parks together, exploring the small galleries together, walking hand it hand down the streets together. And every time she thought of this she was forced to remind herself that it was not happening and could never happen.

But her legend was secure, and she knew that moving again would be too dangerous for the moment, so she stayed in America, and, still craving the rush of a prominent city, bought a ticket to Washington. There she made herself start a new life. Her knowledge of languages meant that after only a few days she could speak with a convincing American accent. She found herself a small flat to rent in a fifteen-storey apartment block and a mid level job in a hectic office. Everything, she assumed, necessary to live a normal, unnoticeable life.

The next difficulty had come when she realised how easy it would be for her to excel in her chosen career path when had always been a fast and thorough worker and used to working unreasonable hours on top of that. Now she found that this ordinary 9 to 5 job was expected to be peppered with long lunches, coffee breaks and water cooler gossiping, and that doing otherwise simply drew attention to herself.

Determined not to let herself wallow, she filled the free hours of her life with the friends she had made. She remembered a conversation she had had with Danny not long after Zoë had left, when he has asked her whether she ever thought about what her life would have been like outside of the service. Honestly, she had replied all the time. With a jolt she realised one day that she was leading that life and with a second she realised how different it was to the one she had imagined. Then she had believed the main missing factor in her life had been love. She remembered how keen she had been to find it then, looking everywhere around her but never daring to see right in front of her.

Now she considered the thought of any romantic relationship a betrayal to the man she saw every night in her dreams, standing alone on a London dock. No, he was the one aspect of her life she could not bring herself to move on from, not force herself to forget.

That was until she met Car


	2. Chapter 2

**Forgot to put a disclaimer on the last chapter. So here it is: spooks is not mine. That'll have to do. Thanks to those who reviewed, you gave me encouragement to write this. **

The Grid was in complete chaos. 3 hours since Harry's disappearance and they had nothing. Malcolm was searching through CCTV imagery around the Russian embassy, sweeping through circles that were becoming larger and more desperate by the minute. Jo and Lucas were both dialing their way through long lists of assets that could possibly help them. Ros was on the phone to the DG after finally being persuaded by Jo that he should know what was happening.

Placing the receiver down, Ros turned her attention to her two remaining field officers. "He's given us the permission to mount any sort of operation we need to get Harry back" she told them.

Lucas simply nodded in response while Jo muttered, "we'd have continued anyway but it's easier this way". This and Lucas' previous statement of "I blame Harry" was enough to make up her mind. Standing, Ros told Jo to follow her into the meeting room.

Sitting down Ros motioned to the seat, saying "I'm off to see if I can get anything from the Russian ambassador. While I'm gone you're in charge here. Monitor everyone while they keep doing what they're doing and call the moment anything comes up. I'm assuming you know what this means. Until we get Harry back the DG has appointed me Section Head and I'm making you my Section Chief."

Jo simply stared at Ros as the enormity of their situation finally hit her. Up until now her work had distracted her from the truth, but she now realised that despite Ros' deliberate use of the word 'until', it was becoming more and more unlikely that Harry would return.

Composing herself as much as possible, she asked the first, reasonable question she could think of: "why not Lucas?"

Ros quickly replied "I've known you for longer", but at Jo's arched eyebrow sighed and continued "… and because of something he said to Connie." Seeing Jo was about to ask for more details she added, "I've got to go now" and quickly left the room.

In the briefing room alone, Jo suddenly remembered Angela Wells questioning her desire to have Adam's job one day. And with this recollection came the sense of déjà vu as realised that she felt just as scared, just as abandoned and just as useless as she had done then. But now she was able to push away these feelings in a way she would not have been able to over 3 years ago, and doing so she rose just as she heard Ros announce the new appointments to the rest of the team.

It was another day before the discovery of Viktor Sarkisian's body meant that all their hard work so far was rendered useless. After seeing Malcolm's face crumple at this news, Jo sent him home to rest, realising that he would be useless without it.

For Jo coffee fueled her work on the grid, while adrenaline chased Ros from one terrified asset to another government department passing back any information she found.

It wasn't until the notion of ex army generals and uranium reached Jo's ears for the second time that she began to miss the brilliant but bonkers brunette who would have, in Jo's opinion, put two and two together immediately and have Harry home in time for tea.

And so that was how a certain brown envelope Zaf had left behind for her found itself thrust, rather too enthusiastically, under Ros' nose. And how a slightly more optimistic Jo boarded a plane for Washington DC armed only with two UK passports and the address of a small rented flat in a fifteen-storey apartment block.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks again to all those who revie****wed. **

**BeanieSgirl****, at the end of 7.8 Lucas said that he blamed Harry for his time in Russia. I know it's an exaggeration of what Ros' reaction would have been / was, but as a huge Harry fan I always felt rather indignant about it. Also, it gave me an excuse to give Jo a promotion, something which I always thought would be cool if spooks did to show how much someone can change. **

She had been so sure that she would never fall for someone like she had for Harry that she hadn't contemplated what it would be like if she did so in a completely different way.

At first he was just another potential friend. A man who lived in her building, whom she bumped into from time to time and joked and made polite chit chat with.

Soon these accidental meeting became more frequant and would now lead to coffee, times where she would find herself laughing at immature little things she hadn't found funny for years and sharing conversations that could last for hours.

It took weeks before she realised, as he moved to kiss her one day that his intentions were no longer on innocent friendship. The notion was so totally unexpected that she turned and fled and avoided him for the next few days.

In that time she cursed herself for her own stupidity, for not reading the signs sooner. She cursed her new life in America, her old life in England and most of all her love for Harry Pearce which had led her to this place. But most of all she cursed her own weakness which made her miss her new friend who could make her life seem good, but the same weakness which made her run from him.

It was a very different feeling to that which had compelled her to turn down a second date with Harry another life time ago, and yet she couldn't help but notice the comparisons. One evening, sitting alone drinking sweet tea, she made herself think about all that she had lost, and asked herself whether she was really so ready to lose another thing good. Not wanting to have the same regrets again she found herself at his door apologising for her behavior, in a way that was even more incoherent to her usual stammering as she couldn't tell him exactly why she had.

Still, he nodded and smiled and did his best to convince her that he understood, or at least was willing to try to.

That night she stayed for dinner, happy once again to be in his presence. And the next morning when she was still there for breakfast she refused to let herself regret what had passed and even smiled on her way to work.

After that they began to fall into a routine. He spent more and more time at her flat so that she soon began to get used to him being there cooking for her when she got back for work, and his company in the mornings and weekends.

2 months on he had to go abroad for a fortnight and she was surprised at how much she missed him, and how pleased she was to hear from him when he called in the evenings; exhausted, but always able to make her smile.

When he came back, however, she soon realised things were different. Perhaps she had let her accent slip or had displayed just a little too much knowledge and feeling in a political debate. Hell, perhaps it was even her fondness for milky tea or Cadbury's chocolate, but he seemed to suspect her of something.

She panicked. She didn't want to lose him. Not another person after leaving so many behind already. She realised how dependent she had become on him, how much she didn't want to lose him, but also how easily she could.

So when he sat her down one night, looked her straight in the eye and asked her to tell him the truth, she found herself telling him just that.

Or at least part of it.

She told him that she wasn't American, but that she was English. That she used to be involved in some things she couldn't go into, but that one day they had turned sour. And now she could never go back. She swore to him that she had left that life behind and no longer wished for it to return. She told him how important he had become to her and that although she wanted to tell him everything there was to know, she couldn't because it was too dangerous.

She begged for him to trust her, and to believe her when she said that there was nothing in her old life that she would return to now that she had started a new one with him. And, being the man that loved her, he did and spoke no more of it. Didn't even ask her what her name used to be.

After that they returned to normal and she even began to believe what she had told him. That her new life as Susan and Carl was what was meant to be.

A year later when he got down on one knee she smiled and said yes, laughing along with the look of giddy relief which flooded across his face and kissing him like any other infatuated fiancé.

That night she dreamt of the Grid, of entering doors without knocking, white burgundy and thermobaric bombs, Mick Maudsley and underground stations, sweet tea, warm brown eyes and a sweet kiss farwell.

Afterwards, she lay awake for hours questioning her motives, and the reasons behind her feelings of both guilt and happiness; unsure which to focus. For the first time in over a year she allowed herself to be plagued by memories of her past, and to really think about whether this was the future she wanted. And then the undeniable truth came back to her - that her future could never be the one of the past, and she realised how this was going to be as good as it could be.

So she chose happiness, picked up his hand from next to her, kissed it, and let herself fall asleep.

Happiness was all that followed, and that incredible tranquility which came from leading a normal life. They planned a long engagement and moved his things down to her aprtment; contemplating the idea of a small, rural house for after the wedding.

There was nothing different about that crisp day in early Novemeber, when she phoned home to say that she had to work later than usual, but should be back in time for supper. She took the bus back with a different crowd, now surrounded by those dressed up for a Friday night out rather than the normal returning commuters.

Closing her front door behind her, she hung her coat up as he moved forward to kiss her in welcome. It was only then that she saw the slight uncertainty and fear in his eyes and as he pulled away she reached for his hand, puzzled.

"Your friend Kate's here". He said by way of an explanation. Adding, as if he couldn't help himself. "From England".

And that was, of course, the moment that Jo appeared from the kitchen. Holding a glass of white wine in her hand as if she really was just an old friend dropping by to catch up, even saying something along the lines of an apology of dropping by unannounced.

Even Carl managed to keep the façade afloat by adding "I told Kate you'd be delighted to see her and that she's welcome to stay for supper".

Which left them both standing there waiting for a response as Ruth, or Susan, stood there stunned.

**Ok, so my brain is now getting a little too over excited with ideas for this fic. I'm not really sure which way I'm going to take it from here. **

**So this is my plea to anyone who thinks they might have the time (and patience) to let me email them a few ideas and then possibly Beta read the next couple of chapters. **

**Or if any of you have your own suggestions please leave them in a review – or just leave a general review to help motivate me to the next chapter. **

**xx**


	4. Chapter 4

**A bit of a transitory chapter, hoping to get the next one up sooner. **

**Spooks and all its characters are the property of the BBC and Kudos, not mine.**

"Susan?" Carl said again, eyes filled with concern for her, but not enough to stop him shooting Jo the odd reproachful look. Finally, he moved to take her arm again. Jo herself was now looking at the floor, giving Ruth the opportunity to still continue the façade that Carl and she had started, but when she did lift her head it was clear how much she was tempted to call the friend in front of her by her real name.

This seemed to break Ruth out of her trance and she moved forward to kiss Jo's cheek in welcome, speaking about pleasant surprises and how she must stay for dinner. However, it didn't go unnoticed by any of them how Carl moved back close to her side, and how his arm resumed its protective position on her arm.

Ruth mentally sighed knowing what she would have to do before she could fins out what Jo wanted. "Do we have enough for the three of us?" she asked him, "Perhaps one of us should run down to the shops?"

He understood what she wanted immediately, and she hated how hard she knew it was going to be to repair the distrust that this brief encounter had created, and how she knew that what Jo had come to say could make it so much worse before it could get better. But still, he was obviously willing to be there for her at the moment he looked between her and Jo one more time, before leaning down to ask "Are you su -?"

She cut him off with a brief nod and another attempt at a convincing smile.

"Ok", he muttered and turned and left through the front door behind them.

There was a silence as they both listened to his hesitant footsteps outside the door which finally seemed to make their decision and set off down the stairs.

Motioning for Jo to follow her, Ruth lead the way into the sitting room and sat down on the sofa, quickly getting up again, and began fiddling with the ring on her wedding finger.

Noticing this, Jo moved forward. "How much does he know?"

"Not much" Ruth replied, before adding defensively "and he could be trusted with much more".

Jo couldn't help but raise her eyebrows slightly at how the American accent remained, but knew better than to mention it, opting instead for a gentle "How have you been?"

"Happy". It came out more aggressively than she had meant it to, but suddenly she was terrified of the reason Jo was here.

Nodding, Jo moved forward. "We've missed you".

It was a simply statement, but immediately Ruth's mind was whirring with the implications of it. Who 'we' were, and how much they had missed her. Enough to bring her back? Or even more now that they could possibly be in danger? Or, most dreaded of all, the possibility of it being a passed 'have' and that Jo was here to relate the death that she didn't think she was capable of hearing.

It was all too much for her, needing to know the facts and quickly, Ruth cut in. "What do you want Jo". Watching her hesitate she was able to find a small amount of solace continuing, "I'm assuming that this isn't just the social call we're all pretending it is".

"We need your help. A few days ago Harry was kidnapped, almost certainly by the Russians." She had meaning to pause here, to let the full weight of what she was saying sink in, but suddenly she couldn't stop as the terror she had suppressed for the last few days drove on her explanation, speaking at twice the usually speed.

"We don't think they've got him anymore, however. We've been monitoring chatter around both the Russian embassy and the FSB and there's been nothing out of the ordinary. Right now we don't know who's got him and what they'll be planning to with him. A few assets have come forward with information which may be linked to Harry, but we're not sure. A few things keep on coming up but we can't think if anything they might mean,"

Ruth sat down heavily on the sofa and put her hand up for Jo to stop as she stared at the blank TV screen, trying to process what she was being told, but Jo continued, forcing her voice under control so she could say calmly. "We need your help. We need your instinct with these kinds of things, your contacts. Please…. Harry needs you Ruth".

All along it was probably all that was needed to be said. She hadn't been called her name for 3 years, and to hear it in that context was far more than enough. She looked up at Jo with that same determined look in her eye that the blond used to see around the grid so often, and nodded.

"Of course." And so it was business as usual, or as usual as it could be. "How are you going to get me back?"

"I've got a passport with me for you. We'll fly back to Heathrow tonight; I'll update you further on the way."

"What about Carl? What can I tell him?"

"You know the rules, Ruth. I understand why you did it, but you shouldn't have even told him whatever little you did. Say what you need, I'll make my excuses and meet you at the airport tonight."

She stood up and took out of her jacket pocket a passport with a plane ticket tucked inside and handed it to Ruth just as they heard the key in the latch.

Both women moved towards the hall as Carl came in carrying a small bag of groceries.

"I'm terribly sorry Carl", Jo began, "but I'm afraid I've just got a call from work and I'm going to have to leave you both. It was a pleasure to meet you, however briefly, and I hope to see you soon… preferably when things are a little less manic at work", casting a look at Ruth. She went to hug her, murmuring a "see you soon" and then shook Carl's hand before leaving through the still open door, closing it softlybehind her.

"Susan?" Carl asked. And this time, there was far more anger than concern in his voice.

**All reviews are greatly appreciated. **


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